Beautiful Disaster
by Crimson Romance
Summary: DISCONTINUED
1. The Beauty and The Tragedy

In a magical community we have magic that cures almost anything.

If you have a cold you get a pepper-up potion, if you get an injury, you use a healing spell.

But there are some things that magic can't fix, and there is a special ward for those types of things at Saint Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries.

When I was ten, I became the newest addition to this floor.

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When I was six, James Potter was my best friend. To him, I wasn't that girl with cooties, but the only person on the block who didn't mind wrestling in the mud or playing on toy broomsticks, or get in trouble with. To me, there was nothing more fun than pulling a prank on Twinky, the Potter's house-elf.

But it changed so fast one day and I remember that day clearly. It was the only time I ever made James Potter cry. It was during summer and James and I were wrestling in the mud. I tackled him and shoved his face in the mud, and he managed to flip us over and was in the process of shoving my face in the mud as revenge. He climbed off of me and stepped back to admire his work and when I managed to pull my face out of the warm sticky mud I stood up and tried to glare at him. I am sure I looked a mess, my wild curls flying out of my piggy tails, my clothes torn and scuffed up and mud coating my face. But instead of laughing, James came running over to me, concern written all over his face.

"Nika! You're bleedin!"

Confusion coated my face, I didn't feel hurt, and I certainly didn't feel blood on myself, I only felt the warm stickiness of mud on my face.

James ran his hand under my nose and sure enough when he pulled it away to show me, scarlet red stained his skin.

"huh, I prolly just smooshed it when I was wrestling!"

Grabbing my hand, James began to drag me back to his house to have his mom clean me up.

Half way there I pulled my hand out from James' and sat down on the grass, my normally tan face, showing pale white through the mud.

"James" I panted, my tiny body out of breath "I don't feel good, my head is all fuzzy"

Blood was still pouring from my nose at a heavy rate.

Acting quickly James lifted me up piggy back style and continued running back to his house like a dementor was on his butt. When we got to the house James burst through the doors and started screaming for his mum, who came running downstairs, took one look at me, pale and bleeding and immediately jumped into action.

She took me off of James' back and lied me down on the couch where she cleaned my face and healed my nose, although it kept dripping blood, not at an abnormally fast rate though. She stuffed cotton up my nose until it stopped bleeding and then lectured both me and James on how we need to be more careful, and then summoned my mom to take me home.

A week later my mom began to notice weird bruises in dark colors covering my back, and became concerned. She took me to St. Mungos and we got a diagnosis we did not expect. Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia. Untreatable by magic, the only treatments were chemotherapy or to let the cancer kill me.

My mom chose to put me through chemotherapy, and within the week I had a started the first step of cancer. It was called Induction. They loaded my body with a drug called prednisone that was supposed to kill the cancerous cells in my body. After that came the Consolidation stage in which they put a port in my chest and started pumping poison into my body to finish killing the cancer. It made me awfully sick and I started to lose my hair. The only thing that kept me going was that James was allowed to visit me occasionally.

At age eleven I was still fighting the cancer, but had been accepted into Hogwarts. I wasn't allowed to attend, but was sorted anyways and was put into Gryffindor (as was expected) and began homeschooling. At age 12 I was declared to be in remission and went to Hogwarts to begin my real schooling.

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After 4 years, I had managed to make quite a few friends thanks to James. Lily Evans was my best girl friend and James was still my best male friend, and along with James came Sirius Black, Peter Pettigrew, and Remus Lupin. With Lily came Dorcas Meadowes. They were amazing friends, and no one but James knew I used to have cancer, so they didn't treat me like I was broken or anything. It was amazing, but that too changed.

I was 4 years into my remission (you need to be in remission for 5 years for doctors to declare you to be cancer free) when Lily found me on the bathroom floor blood pouring from my nose.

"Danika! What's wrong?"

I groan at my being found and lift my head from the floor and smile "Nothin Lils, just a nosebleed." No sooner do I finish my sentence, then I cough, a deep chest aching cough that sends goopy thick blood spurting from between my teeth and onto the pale marble floor

"Like hell it's just a normal nosebleed! Tell me the truth!"

"It's a nosebleed Lily, I am fine!"

"Liar! If you don't tell me I am taking you to James! Godric knows you can't lie to him…"

"Lily! No! I am fine!"

With an irritated huff and some amazing talent, Lily silently placed a body binding charm on me and managed to levitate me down from the bathroom, across the common room (which thankfully was empty) and slammed the door open to the boys dormitory, shocking Sirius, Peter, Remus and James who are lounging on their beds

"James! Something is wrong with Dani! She looks really hurt!"

Lily quickly sits me down and unbinds my body. A sudden rush of dizziness sends me to my knees and when I managed to look up I saw James with a serious look on my face. I tried to smile to make it seem less serious, but just coughed up blood again.

"Bloody hell! Nika! How long has this been happening!"

"Just a few weeks" I grimaced

"Let me see your back" he demanded, and instantly I knew what he was gonna look for.

"No James, please..." I beg with him, but he is undeterred and with a grim look he called for Sirius to hold me so my back is facing him.

Again I beg

"James. Please. NO! Stop this!"

Sirius stepped forward and held my forearms as I tried to fight. With a quickly muttered "Revealo" my shirt was gone and the entire dorm room was looking at me shirtless, with only my bra on. But they only focused on one thing, and that was the dark black and green bruises dotting my spine. Shocked Sirius let me go and I spin around, ignoring the fact that everyone could see my chest. Tears began to mix with the blood on my face and I stared into James' eyes.

"Don't say it. Please, don't make it real"

"Nika…" his voice sounded pained

"Please James. I just wanna be normal! It is 6th year! Only one more and I graduate! Don't take that from me. Don't say it and make it real…"

"What are you gonna do! Ignore the proof until it's too late? Maybe they can help you again!"

"NO! They will pull me out of school again! I don't want that!"

Remus, Sirius, and Peter were quiet, but Lily interrupted

"James, what are you guys talking about…"

James looked me head to toe, my thin hair sticking to my tear and blood covered cheeks, my hazel eyes bloodshot from crying, my teeth stained red from the blood that I had been coughing up. Then he turned to his friends and said what I had been trying to ignore.

"Danika's cancer came back."


	2. Angels On The Moon

_Hey there! I am still in need of an editor, so let me know :] this is sort of a filler chapter, and it bounces around a bit, so try and stick with me. I don't own Harry Potter, nor do I own the song Angels on the Moon._

In the Muggle world, cancer is such an ugly word, it is synonymous to chemotherapy, radiation, bone marrow, uncontrollable vomiting, low blood cells, risk of infection, frequent hospital visits, fatigue, lack of appetite, diarrhea, and a plethora of other imaginable things. And it is the same in the wizarding world. We don't get to wave our wands and have our body stop attacking itself, there is no way to prevent the bruising and the exhaustion, there is no potion to stop the fatigue, and there is no spell to duplicate white blood cells. So we suffer, just as the Muggles do. For the past 7 days I have looked at the same 4 walls, painted a blinding white color, the same thick wooden door, with squeaky hinges, and I have looked out the same window, one that offers me a tantalizing view of the outside world, the blue sky and green grass, children and parents walking by the gates of the hospital, completely unaware that just 10 feet to the left of them lies another world than the one they know. For the past 168 hours I have been poked and prodded with needles, had blood cultures taken, my urine monitored, and been woken up every two hours to have my blood pressure and temperature taken. The hospital is not a relaxing place, and what I wish for more than anything, is to relax. To ignore the fact that my body is working against me, rushing me towards death, ignore the bruises that cover my back, making it uncomfortable to lie down, I want to ignore this whole situation, but thanks to James, I can't.

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Every family needs a superhero, and in my family, that person is me. When I first got sick my parents let my sickness consume them, and I stepped up as superwoman, to console both my parents, and to try to take care of myself, but I could only do so much. My parents divorced, and I got better. Now I am sick again, and my parents, who used to be so in love and now can't stand each other, have been forced to reconcile and try their attempts to take care of me. But their ideas of taking care of me are totally different than mine are. They don't bother trying to hide their fighting, they don't care if I hear it, and it's enough to drive me insane.

Visiting hours just started, and I am in the bathroom sitting on the floor with my knees pulled up to my chest, my head resting on them. My hair's plastered to my face and neck with sweat as my body fights off a fever, my stomach churns uneasily and I lean forward and throw up, but at this point, there is nothing but stomach acid left in my stomach, and it burns. Through the sound of my retching I can hear my parents in the hospital room arguing.

"She's getting worse Dianne! Let me transfer her to a new hospital!"  
"No Chris, this is where she belongs! It's close to her house!"  
"Your house you mean!"  
"Have you ever thought that maybe another hospital can take better care of her!"  
"I am her mother! And I am NOT transferring her!"

Trying to block out their screaming match, I lean my head on the rim of the toilet and hum one of my favorite songs

_Don't tell me if I'm dying, 'Cause I don't wanna know, If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go…_

I feel the familiar burning in my throat and I lift my head just in time to throw up once again, my straining forward with the force of my heaving. I gag at the taste of bile on my tongue and throw up once more, and in the middle of it, a hand lays itself on my back, and another holds my hair back. Done throwing up for the moment, I lean back onto the body behind me, and look into a pair of concerned hazel eyes hidden behind black lenses. Immediately I feel myself begin to tear up and shame wells up inside my body. Making shushing noises, James wraps his arms gently around my body and pulls me into his lap, cradling me like I am a baby. And with his arms around me, the arms of the man who told my secret, I cry.

_Don't wake me cause I'm dreamin of angels on the moon, where everyone you know, never leaves to soon…_


	3. I Stand Alone

_I do not own harry potter, nor do I own any of the characters other than Danika and her family.__  
__I am looking for a BETA reader, so if you are interested send me a message._

When a disaster happens, everyone does something to remind themselves that they are alive, that they survived and are still here. Each person has a different method, but mine has been the same since I was first diagnosed with cancer as a child.

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Leaning over, I grimace from the pain shooting up my hip where I had marrow harvested earlier, and flip the switch that will allow hot water to fill the hospitals tub. While it fills, I stand up and hobble over to the mirror and take in how I look. My cheeks are gaunt and hair stringy, my face is pale with black bags under my eyes, and my lips are dry and cracked. I look sick, and it disgusts me. I pull my hair into a sloppy bun and with a scowl, turn and head back to the tub to find the water almost to the brim. Quickly I turn it off, and shed the grungy hospital gown I am wearing. Sitting on the brim of the tub, I slide my feet into the scalding water first to allow my body to get used to the temperature, and slowly I begin to slide the rest of my body into the water until just my head is above it. Sliding my hand out of the water I grab my wand and flick it at the radio on the counter and allow my music to flow into the room. James constantly teases me because of my music; I prefer muggle music to magical music. I drop my wand and slide my arm back into the water. I close my eyes and lean my head back and allow the voices of John, Paul, George, and Ringo to fill my ears. After a few songs I reach up and let loose the tie holding my hair up and slide my head into the water. Instantly the music is drowned out and all I can hear is the thump-thump, thump-thump of my heartbeat filling my ears. _ I am alive. _ I begin to repeat my mantra in time with my heartbeat, _I am alive. I, am alive. I am alive…_ my lungs begin to burn as my oxygen supply slowly dwindles to nothing, and still I stay under the water, my heartbeat counting the syllables of my mantra, thump-thump, thump-thump, 1-2-3-4, I, am, a-live. I open my eyes from underwater and look around at my surroundings, and for the first time since I got to the hospital, I smile.

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"Jeez Nika, I thought you drowned in there."  
"So sorry James, but you see, unlike some people," I shoot him a pointed look "I actually enjoy being clean."  
"Har har, you're soooo funny."  
"Thanks, I try."  
He just gives me a blank stare and I give a small smile at our playful banter before he takes a deep breath as if preparing himself for something.

"Hey, Danika…"  
I know it's serious; he never calls me by my full name unless it's really important to him

"Yeah James?"  
"I was wondering... you haven't seen anyone but me since you got here..."  
"The answer is no James."  
"Why can't the others come visit?" Now he is mad, his eyes are all glinty and his mouth is set in a straight line.

"Look at me James, I am sick. I am a mess, of bruises, and needle pokes, I'm constantly being checked on by doctors, and having things taken from me. I don't want them to see me like that."  
"But Nika, they don't care!"  
"But I care James! The answer is no, and that's final!" He gives a huge huff of exasperation and shoots me a glare.

"Fine, don't let them see you, but they miss you, and you're being selfish by not allowing them to visit!"

And with that, James walks out the hospital door and slams it after him.


	4. Falling Away

_James' point of view_

Storming into the common room, I make sure to slam the door behind me, my anger subsiding a little at the loud noise, I continue to make noise by stomping my feet as I walk over to the couch by the fire place where Sirius and Lily are waiting for my update. Throwing myself down with a huff I glare at their expectant looks.

"What are you looking at?" I grumble under my breath, still feeling grouchy from my visit with Nika

"Well," Lily starts off "How is she?"

"Yeah, and can we go see her yet?" my heart skins a little at Sirius' hopeful expression.

"She said no. Gave me some crap excuse about how she doesn't want you guys to see her like that or something"

"Actually, I can kind of understand that" Lily interjects on her friend behalf

"How can you understand that? Its complete shit, she's your guys' friend, and she should wanna see you!" I counter back, irritated at her defense of Nika.

"Think about it, I bet she's been exhausted, frustrated, sad, and angry, I bet she is going mad being locked in the hospital with nothing to do an-"

I interrupt Lily before she can finish her tirade. "Yeah, but those things should make her wanna see you guys, you make her happy!"

"James, let me finish!" Lily scolds "As I was saying, she's bored, but at the same time, while being bored all she has to do is think about what is going to happen. Cancer isn't a pretty disease, and if they do Chemotherapy, it's gonna be even uglier. I would be self conscious if I were in her position."

Sirius just nods his head as if he slightly understands what Lily is saying, and agrees.

"Yeah, well, I still think it's a load of bull."

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_Danika's point of view_

It's been a week since mine and James' fight and I am still livid.

_Who the hell does he think he is? Telling me off like he did! He has no right! None at all! It's his bloody fault I am in this damn place! _

A knock on the door interrupts my inner rant, and without moving from my spot by the window, call a 'Come in' to whoever waits at the door. The door creaks open and then bangs shut, and I can hear the person shuffle his way across the room before coming to a halt right behind me.

"What do you want James?"

"How did you know it was me?"

"You dragged your feet across the floor like you were dreading coming over here. We got into a fight, so it's reasonable to assume that you DID dread coming over here, leaving me to assume that the person who entered the room was you."

"Damn, you're good."

"I'll ask one more time James, I'm not in the best mood today, so what do you want"

"I came to talk about what happened last week."

"Why, you gonna yell and call me selfish again?"

"I just want to talk, will you hear me out?"

"…Fine."

"Okay, so, here goes…I know this has been hard on you, and you blame me for you getting stuck here and all that, and that's fine, be angry at me or whatever. But punishing your other friends by not allowing them to see you, because you are self conscious about having cancer is ridiculous. They are your friends, and they don't care. They just want to see you and make sure you are okay."

Tears fill my eyes, and anger fills my heart as James's speech goes on

"Lily said that cancer is an ugly disease, and it's gonna cause some issues with you. I guess I didn't understand all that as a kid, but I do now, at least a little more than I did before. But do you really want to go through everything alone? Because pushing people away, the people who have been your friends for the last 4 years, is gonna leave you alone!"

"Can I speak now?"

My voice is quiet, anger laced in my tone. James shifts uneasily before answering.

"Yeah."

"How dare you assume you know what this is like for me. Yes, I am angry, and hurt, sad, confused, and probably every other emotion under the sun, but that is not why I am not allowing Sirius and Lily to see me. Last time I got cancer, I was alone! Mum and Dad fought about EVERYTHING when I went through treatments. They couldn't agree on anything, and you were at school, gallivanting around and having fun, and occasionally you would come see me, but you never saw me at my worst."

I turn away from the window now, and face my body towards James. I don't look him in the eyes, my head staying bowed and my eyes covered by my too-long bangs.

"Chemotherapy was horrible. I had a needle in my chest, and it allowed them to pump poison into my body. I was sick, horribly and violently sick every single time they did a treatment, and then my hair started to fall out, and I lost weight, and I was terrified. I didn't have anyone to comfort me, or tell me it was going to be okay. Mum was always crying, and Dad was always getting mad at her, and you were only allowed to see me on good days. Days when I wasn't throwing up everything in my stomach and days when I had my wig on, so it wouldn't scare you. But I was scared. People die from what I have James. I managed to get better, and I got to go to school and have friends and live a life, and then it came back. I knew if you found out, you would tell and make me get help."

I look him in the eyes now, trying hard to push back the tears stinging the edges of my eyes, and to keep my voice from breaking.

"Don't you get it James! I can't' do this again! I won't beat it! I am gonna fade away until I die! I got lucky once, I can't get lucky again. It just doesn't happen! I let you come see me, because I need someone to help keep me sane while I am here. Mum and Dad are just as bad as the first time around, and this time, my cancer is worse. I'm not selfish for not wanting Sirius and Lily to see me. I am saving them! They don't need to see me like this, it will just hurt them. They don't need to watch me die, I won't put them through that, and I don't think I can say goodbye! It's just easier all around if we carry on our separate lives! Them at school and me here."

"Nika…" James' voice sounds pained

"Don't… just… leave, please."

"You want me to go?"

"Yes. I will see you next week."

And then to cement my dismissal I turn my body back around and look out the window at the empty park before me. I hear his feet shuffle away, and only once I hear the heavy wooden door thud shut behind him, do I allow the tears to roll down my face.


	5. Dark Blue

Music has always been a great comfort to me. There is just something about a person being able to express themselves publically, that catches my interest. Music shows people that they can relate to anyone, even famous people. And lately, I have needed to be able to relate to people who aren't sick.

~!~

_**Dark blue, dark blue, have you even been alone in a crowded room..**__  
_I hum under my breath, my eyes glued to the clock counting down the time until James comes bursting through the door, last weeks argument forgotten.

_5 more minutes. Just 5 more minutes, and you can have a small escape._

I desperately needed James to distract me. I had received a new diagnosis today based on my marrow tests and white blood cell count. The cancer was progressing, growing, thriving inside of me, and I was one step away from a full blown panic attack. I know I had told James I wasn't gonna make it, but it was in anger, I didn't mean it. For the past four years I have lived in a land where I thought nothing could hurt me, but I was being proved wrong, and I really needed someone to tell me that it was all gonna be okay, even if it was a lie.

Another glance at the clock shows me its three minutes past two, and James should have been here by now.

_Its okay, he's just a little late… No big deal. He's never not showed up before. He'll be here…_

I turn the music up on my walkman a little louder to drown out my own thoughts

_**This flood is slowly rising up swallowing the ground beneath my feet**_

Another glance at the clock causes me to squeeze my eyes tightly shut, as if I could block out what the clock is telling me. I squeeze my eyes so tight, I can see spots behind my eyelids, and then I slowly, so slowly, crack them open and risk another glace at the clock. 2:20. James is twenty minutes late. He has never been late before.

_James P.O.V_

Rubbing my eyes in the palms of my hand I groan in frustration. I look back down at the potions essay I have been working on through blurry eyes. Groaning again I slam my head on the table and begin muttering curses to myself.

"Prongs?"

Lifting my head I glare at the person who dares interrupt my obvious studying.

"Yes Remus?"

"Aren't you supposed to be at St. Mungo's today?"

"Obviously I didn't go."

"Uh huh… this wouldn't have to do with the fight you and Dani had last week would it?"

"I don't think that's any of your business Moony."

"Hmm, and does Dani know you aren't coming this week?"

"Erm.. not exactly.."

"So, not only did you guys get in a fight while she is sick, but you also ditched her and didn't tell her?"

"Way to make me sound like a total wanker…"

"I didn't say you were a wanker, I was just asking if that was what happened."

"Yes Moony, that was exactly what happened."

"Ok."

"That's all you have to say? After all of that, all you are gonna say is ok?"

"Mmhm."

"You know what, screw this. I don't need you making me feel bad about my choice"

"That wasn't my intention."

I fling my arm out and sweep all of my supplies back into my bag and storm out of the library and head to the common room. Reaching the Fat Lady's portrait, I give her the password (Fudge Flies) and head to the couches in front of the fire to work some more. Right as I get settled though, another voice interrupts me.

"James?"

I grit my teeth

"Yes Lily?"

"Why aren't you visiting Danika? I am sure she's wondering where you are…"

"You know what, I didn't want to go, I wish everyone would get off my back" I throw my arms in the air and stomp my way up the stairs and into my dormitory.

_Danika's P.O.V_

It's eight o clock, visiting hours are over, and James never showed up. He didn't owl to tell me or anything. Never have me and James fought to the point where he ignores me. In a daze I wash my face and change into my pajamas. I climb in my hospital bed, and shut my eyes, hoping my dreams will be more pleasant than my day was.

_**Dark blue, dark blue, do you ever feel alone in a crowded room?**_


End file.
